Being fat means that I am still alive
Two years have passed since Jake and I dated, and I decided to change my tumblr name back to what it originally was before I had to delete it because his parents found and stalked my tumblr. But the thing is, I’m not afraid of anyone finding my tumblr now, and that’s not because I don’t use it very often. I’m not afraid of people finding out who I am. I’mm not scared that they will judge me. Because I’ve learned that it’s not about me. I have believed so many lies that I am worthless and a mistake. I took every single one of them to heart and let them control who I believed that I was. I did everything in my power to fix myself, to make myself better. But I failed. I never became “good enough” for the lies to stop running through my head. So I decided to destroy myself instead. I thought that I deserved all the pain I was in, and I thought that the darkest parts of me should be hidden from the world. I hid my struggles because I thought that would make them go away. I starved myself to feel as empty physically as I felt in my heart. I made myself throw up in order to get rid of all the things I hated about myself. I cut my skin to fix everything that went wrong in my life. I lost my will to live, and I almost gave up. But that is not the end of my story. I did not die that way— I did not die at all. In my darkest place when I had nothing but hate for myself and pain from all the things in my mind that seemed to be surmounted against me, I found someone who loved me, and that changed my life. I’m not talking about a petty “I’m going to fix you because you’re hurting” kind of love. It was and is a real, unconditional kind of love. The kind of love that can take a girl from a place of complete brokenness, to a place of strength that is fueled by that love. In the moment when I felt like nobody would notice if I didn’t exist, there was a voice that said “I love you.” And I will never forget that. When I was a terrible person and was hurting every single person that I cared about, there was a voice that said “I would die for you.” I found someone who loved me more than I hated myself, and I’m alive because of that. In my worst moments, when I wasn’t looking for a savior because I was ready to let myself die, God came looking for me. I can’t explain the process of learning of God’s love for me—for everyone. All I can do is tell of what God has done for us. He loved me, us, so much that he knew we would ignore him, he knew that we would continually make mistakes, he knew that we would hate him, but he still loved us enough to send his only son to die in our place. That is what unconditional love is. Nobody is perfect, but our God is. In order to be in his presence, we have to never make a mistake, because God’s presence is a perfect one. The punishment for our mistakes is death, and the true meaning of death is eternal separation from God. But God knew that we would make mistakes, he gave us the free will to do so, not because he hated us, but because he loved us and wants us to love him. True love requires the ability to choose for yourself how you feel. But, inevitably, we messed up. We consistently ignore God and do our own thing. But he loved us anyway. We deserved to die, but God sent his son, Jesus, to take our place, to take our punishment. This is the voice that said “I love you.” This is the God that has given me not a only a second chance at life, but a third. Because of his unconditional, unfailing love, I am saved and I am here alive today. “If you had not loved me first, I would not love you still.” This is why I’m not afraid of people knowing how broken I am—because it’s not really about me. It’s about God and what he has done. I don’t want to hide my dark places because God’s glory shines brightest in my life through them. I want everyone to know what God has done for them. I want them to see how great he is through the change he has done in my life.
Vincent van Gogh - From ‘Almond Blossoms’ Series (1888-1890)